Posts Tagged With: therapy

That’s okay

I went to fitness this morning – and that’s about all I did – went.

And Vandie said, “That’s okay.  At least you got here.  Good for you for coming.”

I did half the fitness routine and had to stop.

And Janet said, “That’s okay. Listen to your body.  Some days will be better than others. Good for you for trying.”

I got frustrated and cried.

And Vandie and Janet said, “That’s okay, Stacey.  You need to be kinder to yourself, more gentle. Be patient.”

So, I got through the class – did the stretches and went home.

On my drive home I felt fantastic.

By the time I arrived at home I had decided to go for that walk I missed this morning with Kevin.

I walked slowly.  But I made it.

And I said to myself, “That’s okay.  Tomorrow will be easier.  Good for you.  You did it.”

Thanks, Vandie and Janet, for turning my attitude around so that I can have a great day!

Categories: cancer, inpsiration, learning, life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

Mom and Dad were finally layed to rest…

Since I remember, Mom had her nursing graduation photo above her bed and Dad had his pilot’s grad. photo above his.  They indicated who slept where – on which side of the bed.  They were icons.  Everyone who saw the photos commented on what a handsome couple they were.  “Your Mom was  a real looker” they’d say – and, “wow – what a mischievous smile your Dad had.” 

Any comment that was repeated in their company would be met with a blush and a grin.  “Oh”, Mom would say bashfully.  “I don’t know what happened to that gal”.  Dad would say, “yeah, cocky young pilot with the world at my feet.”

Those photos were as much Mom and Dad as Mom and Dad were.  They were the first things to come off the wall when they moved and the first to go back on the wall when they arrived.  They were legend. 

Tonight – the stager came to the condominium.  She was wonderful, kind, and sensitive. She kept watching me to see how I was reacting to the suggestions she made – but she missed my reaction – gut -wrench – when she took Mom and Dad’s photos off the wall.  They had been watching vigil over Dad as he passed and they had been watching vigil over the empty place as prospective buyers passed through.  What the stager knew had to happen, happened.  I knew it – and she knew it.  There was just too much Bill and Paula in that room. It took someone else to “do the deed”, but I knew it had to be done. 

I left apartment 1001 tonight knowing that things had changed.  Mom and Dad were no longer there – they never had been in the material things – always there in spirit in my heart. 

Yes – things were different – I was more peaceful.  Now, that’s not to say a few tears were shed as I entered into yet another stage into adulthood (finally).  But, it felt good. 

And I think they finally felt free to leave apartment 1001.  Finally, they were “off the wall”. 

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Dear Dad: 

I’m struggling to move forward and I’m struggling to stay put.  

There are so many changes and decisions I don’t know what is best.  

On a good note – even in death your blog is being well received.  I guess I don’t need to tell you how many people have read your stories because I guess you already know that.  

On another good note – Veteran’s Canada continues to be supportive of you.  All the equipment they supplied to you has been gifted to your estate and I have been “loaning” it to those in need.  I feel a bit panicky that this is the right path as I am now launching into another venture I have no idea of the destination.  

My greatest consolation right now is AM- 740.  I have always enjoyed your music, but never knew whether I was listening to it for you or for me.  Here I am – listening – but I am alone.  There is that strong sense of being alone – I can’t imagine how you felt when Mom passed away. 

On another good note, the Dancing Nannies are still busy working and I’m trying hard to figure out how to help them.  They have managed to stay alone in your condo for the past week – Dorothee really missed you and felt that you were still there often.  Too hard for her to bear – she is so young.  Ana misses you a lot – she feels like she has now lost two Dads.  I have, however, gained two new sisters and we console each other often.  We still pretend that you are in your pink chair and pour you a glass of wine.  I miss those toasts, Dad.  I miss you.  

I am trying hard to think of the good times and happy things, Dad, but it is tough.  WIth whom do I share memories of Mom, the property, my childhood, our grieving over Mom?  I hate change – and I love it at the same time.  There are new opportunities that are unfolding for my family and I – but I don’t know which direction to take. 

On a cool note – Ben saved a young boy from drowning, yesterday, while he was guarding at the beach. Dad, you would be so proud!  He is such a fine young man.  

David enjoyed VBS today and his art work is extraordinary. 

Katya just “chilled” with me. 

Kevin is trying to adjust to having me back in his life as his wife.  I’m not sure if he’s thrilled with this new “bonding” or not.  I’m sure that you and Mom went through that sort of thing when you returned from postings across Canada.  Wish I could share these things with you in person, Dad.  You were always such a good sounding board.  

Brian Marlatt keeps up to date with me and my ramblings and offers his support every once in a while.  I guess Fran and Floyd were hit pretty hard by you leaving us.  How about buying me a ticket to see them in BC this summer.. I’ll take that instead of the dress?  And please don’t suggest you have enough Canadian Tire money (grin).  I don’t think Air Canada respects that currency.  

What else can I tell you? 

What should I do with your condo?  I’d love to keep it – but I don’t know that I can do that.  I have always regretting that I couldn’t buy the property from you – and I don’t want to do that with your condo. There are many expressions of interest for purchase -but it’s SO hard to say good-bye.  What would I do without being able to go “home” to my second home?  There are so many memories there.  How do people cope?  

Dad – my heart aches, yet I can’t seem to cry.  I’m happy that you are “free”. But seriously – I bought cauliflower today to make soup… and no one here eats it.  I am going through the motions .. in an effort to find peace.  

Yeah – so Nat King Cole’s “Answer me, my love”, just came on the radio.  I remember how you and Mom used to light up when you heard him.  Where was it that you saw him live?  Toronto?  How wonderful.  Where did all those velvet voices go?  

Anyhow, Dad, I’m still waiting for you to visit me in my dreams.  Remember I told you about Mom’s three visits and how her last one she hugged me?  When do I get your hug?  I could sure use one right about now.  

I know you would like me to thank everyone who is reading these posts and express your most sincere appreciation for supporting you and I in our journey to … where-ever it is.  

On another positive note, Jamie has expressed his trust in my handling of your affairs.  This takes a big burden off my shoulders and I feel more at peace with that issue now.  All you wanted, you said, was for us to get along.  We are both trying.  And for that, I know that you and Mom would be pleased.  

So, Dad, while I don’t feel so frozen anymore – I do feel that I have rambled.  How appropriate is it to ramble on on a public forum I don’t know – but there are some who have told me our conversations/ stories have inspired them to write their own family stories – and that’s good. We sure did have a good time doing that, eh?  Okay – it wasn’t fun at the time as I know I had to “hound” you a lot for stories when you were so tired.  But, seriously, you did enjoy when I read them back to you – and your grandchildren will not be able to understand their own heritage better – and know you as a person through your stories.  

To those of you who are reading this post and feel that I’ve crossed the line of insanity – you may be right, I may be crazy (to coin the words of Billy Joel).  But I am no longer so frozen.  


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