Posts Tagged With: emotions

The stand after the fall

Nothing like a good fitness class to clear your mind.

I went to Vandie’s class today carrying the weight of my memories.

At first, those memories were heavy and indeed felt like lead weights.

I got mad.

I fought back – and kept pushing.

I forgot about the memories trying to focus on the class.

The music propelled me through.

I felt great – I had a bounce in my step.  I heard the music.

I enjoyed the beat and lost myself for a while.

My heart pounded like it would explode.

I was MAD!  NO!  I would NOT stop!  I pushed through.

Screw the pain – screw the past – screw cancer.

For then – for now – I am the victor – not the memory.

I was lost in fitness and it felt wonderful.

I still feel wonderful.  I realize it takes more courage to go back to fitness than it does to do fitness.

It is the stand after the fall that is the toughest part.

It is the living after the near-death that is the greatest challenge.

To return is to face your weakness – whatever it may be.

So – back I go.

And I’ll go again.  I WILL step out of the shadows of cancer.  Damn it!

Categories: cancer, determination, inspiration, journal, life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

The Rainbow: It Only Comes After the Storm

My morning walk with Barb began with a message from Mom.  I didn’t notice it at first, nor did I put the pieces together until several houses into our walk.  It was Barb who first wanted to just “stop” and look at the rainbow.  It was Barb who said, “this is a gift”.  Her words flooded my soul and cleansed me as I understood this was a gift from Mom.  The rainbow meant, “Stacey – it will all be okay.   You can’t get the rainbow without first having the storm.”  I felt this rainbow was meant for me.  It was not meant for anyone else in the world – just me.  Of course that is ridiculous – but at the time Mom was speaking right to my soul.  And had Barb not knocked on my door to get me for our walk, I would have missed this message.

So true does this ring in life.  How often is it that the darkest moments we flood our brains with feelings of doom and gloom.  The storm brews.  There is chaos – emotional chaos.  Last night was my storm.  The feeling of having to take Mom’s dishes away from the condo was just too much.  They are only dishes to everyone else… but to my brother and myself they are so much more.

They were carried in Mom’s hands as an extension of her love to us.  She served us literally and figuratively on those dishes.  We needed the food as much as we needed her love – and both were served in generous quantities.

It takes time to organize an emotional storm into something that is beautiful – just as it takes time for the rain and sun to produce a rainbow.

The rainbow reminded me that when one door closes, a window opens.  The dishes will be moved from Mom’s loving reach at the condo today – to Mom’s loving reach in my own home.  It’s my turn.  Mom may no longer be literally serving us – but we have been well served with her memory.



Everything about Mom was gentle.

Categories: Mom | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Food Basics – Really?


Of all the places to grieve – why would it be Food Basics?

Seriously – today I phoned the lawyer, the appraiser, the banker, the butcher, the candle-stick maker – and it was all good.  They said, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

I replied, “Thank-you.  He had a good life and my brother and I were there in the end holding his hand.  He was in no pain.  What more could one want?”

Confidently, I moved forward to take care of my own family.  I gathered the grocery bags – thought nothing of it other than, boy after three weeks of no groceries, we need food.  I gather the grocery cart and maneuvered it from the parking lot (thinking how good I was to save the staff from one “rogue” cart) into the store.  To the right of me were towers of snacks – to the left piles of fresh items on sale.

I selected my usual apples, bananas, and fresh veggies… and then I hit the meat isle.  It started then.  Should I buy fish for Dad? What kind of fish was available? Should I buy pork for Dad – what kind of pork was on sale?  Dad could eat pork as it was soft.  The roast beef on sale threw me the first curve ball … Mom’s last request:  “Mom, is there anything I can do for you?”

Mom:  “There are two lovely roast beefs in the freezer – please cook them.” (hence the thought that this would be Dad’s first meal in Heaven).

Off to the next isle – I spot the pudding.  Ana asked me to pick up more pudding for Dad.  Pudding was his evening snack with pills.  I rolled the cart quickly past that isle thinking, “oh, man, I hope I can hold this together.”

Sausages – crap – that’s what Tessie cooked him every morning.  Move on, Stacey.

Yogurt – Dad needs some to blend for his morning shake … crap… move on.

Cream – um… well.. move on.

Butter –

Cauliflower for soup –

Ice Cream for the kids so Dad can offer them some sweet trea…. forget it…

Cleaning supplies…



Gatorade is on sa…


I’m out of here.

I could barely hold it together.  Imagine – of all places to fall apart – why would it be the grocery store?

Dad:  You were right.  It was roast beef.

Stacey:  I bought one today, Dad.

Dad:  TTFN

Categories: Life After Dad, Life's Lessons | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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