Stop the Bus – I Need to Get Off!

It seems that my mind races like a locomotive in full speed that just won’t slow down.  Especially at night!

I know that some of you who are dealing with estates are going to agree with me that it can feel like one step forward and ten steps back.  There is so much to do. And in my Dad’s case because he was home until the end – there is more.

The paperwork seems endless.

Okay, so I can get through things (and I am oh, so grateful to have had the summer off to “rest”) but it makes achieving closure a little more tricky.

Consequently, for the last few nights I have dreamed extensively about Dad.  Not about anything good – rather – about his death.

It causes me to wake up early and not be able to get back to sleep.

Here’s the deal: I did my very best to care for Dad as did everyone else in his life.  He passed away at home in his own bed, surrounded by loved ones.  The trigger may just have been that while trying to empty out the condo., I have had to process so many papers that Mom and Dad had stored over their years together.  One of the things I discovered in the papers is that in Dad’s medical history, he was found to have a spot on his lung.  “Aha!” I thought.  Cancer – lung cancer?  That would explain his fatigue, his lack of appetite, his weight loss, his cough… and so on.  There would not have been any change in my course of care – but for some reason I struggle with this new “revelation”.  And it seems to come through in my dreams.

Why is it so dominant in my thoughts?  I am at peace with what happened and that he passed away peacefully.  Why has this new piece of information troubled me so gravely in my sleep?  Guilt?  Ignorance?  Guilty over feeling that Mom would have known what was going on?  I don’t know.

I found this pattern to have been the same with Mom.  My post-passing diagnosis explained a lot of the symptoms Mom experienced prior to her passing.

Is this human nature?  Or my attempt to be a “vigilant” and “capable” daughter?

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not regretful or feeling that I could have done anything differently.

I’d just like to get some closure and then some good sleep.

Does anyone know what I mean?



Categories: Family and Friends, Life's Lessons | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

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6 thoughts on “Stop the Bus – I Need to Get Off!

  1. Alice

    It must be part of the grieving process–I certainly have felt shock and guilt, as have many of my friends. “You too? I thought I was the only one.” (C. S. Lewis on friendship.)

  2. I think it’s just part of the grieving process. Whenever I see my brother’s death certificate I think of how something could have been different – but …nothing. And- even if so- there’s no going back. Now – I hope I made some sense. Sometimes I know what I want to say – it just comes out weird.
    Hang in there.

    • It is SO good to share this feeling with others – it certainly does help to know that there is a pattern and that I am not “out to lunch” on this. Good grief – sometimes it gets tough. And then the next morning – after a good cry it just seems to disappear. How weird are we designed? Or good?

  3. Having gone through this myself, I agree with Alice and RoSy, it’s a natural part of the grieving process.

    • I wonder who teaches us this stuff? Do you think we’d listen unless we are in the middle of it? I am a teacher and I know about grief. First hand experience, though, is SOOO intensely different. Thanks, Laurie for your input! TTFN

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