Frozen


Dear Dad: 

I’m struggling to move forward and I’m struggling to stay put.  

There are so many changes and decisions I don’t know what is best.  

On a good note – even in death your blog is being well received.  I guess I don’t need to tell you how many people have read your stories because I guess you already know that.  

On another good note – Veteran’s Canada continues to be supportive of you.  All the equipment they supplied to you has been gifted to your estate and I have been “loaning” it to those in need.  I feel a bit panicky that this is the right path as I am now launching into another venture I have no idea of the destination.  

My greatest consolation right now is AM- 740.  I have always enjoyed your music, but never knew whether I was listening to it for you or for me.  Here I am – listening – but I am alone.  There is that strong sense of being alone – I can’t imagine how you felt when Mom passed away. 

On another good note, the Dancing Nannies are still busy working and I’m trying hard to figure out how to help them.  They have managed to stay alone in your condo for the past week – Dorothee really missed you and felt that you were still there often.  Too hard for her to bear – she is so young.  Ana misses you a lot – she feels like she has now lost two Dads.  I have, however, gained two new sisters and we console each other often.  We still pretend that you are in your pink chair and pour you a glass of wine.  I miss those toasts, Dad.  I miss you.  

I am trying hard to think of the good times and happy things, Dad, but it is tough.  WIth whom do I share memories of Mom, the property, my childhood, our grieving over Mom?  I hate change – and I love it at the same time.  There are new opportunities that are unfolding for my family and I – but I don’t know which direction to take. 

On a cool note – Ben saved a young boy from drowning, yesterday, while he was guarding at the beach. Dad, you would be so proud!  He is such a fine young man.  

David enjoyed VBS today and his art work is extraordinary. 

Katya just “chilled” with me. 

Kevin is trying to adjust to having me back in his life as his wife.  I’m not sure if he’s thrilled with this new “bonding” or not.  I’m sure that you and Mom went through that sort of thing when you returned from postings across Canada.  Wish I could share these things with you in person, Dad.  You were always such a good sounding board.  

Brian Marlatt keeps up to date with me and my ramblings and offers his support every once in a while.  I guess Fran and Floyd were hit pretty hard by you leaving us.  How about buying me a ticket to see them in BC this summer.. I’ll take that instead of the dress?  And please don’t suggest you have enough Canadian Tire money (grin).  I don’t think Air Canada respects that currency.  

What else can I tell you? 

What should I do with your condo?  I’d love to keep it – but I don’t know that I can do that.  I have always regretting that I couldn’t buy the property from you – and I don’t want to do that with your condo. There are many expressions of interest for purchase -but it’s SO hard to say good-bye.  What would I do without being able to go “home” to my second home?  There are so many memories there.  How do people cope?  

Dad – my heart aches, yet I can’t seem to cry.  I’m happy that you are “free”. But seriously – I bought cauliflower today to make soup… and no one here eats it.  I am going through the motions .. in an effort to find peace.  

Yeah – so Nat King Cole’s “Answer me, my love”, just came on the radio.  I remember how you and Mom used to light up when you heard him.  Where was it that you saw him live?  Toronto?  How wonderful.  Where did all those velvet voices go?  

Anyhow, Dad, I’m still waiting for you to visit me in my dreams.  Remember I told you about Mom’s three visits and how her last one she hugged me?  When do I get your hug?  I could sure use one right about now.  

I know you would like me to thank everyone who is reading these posts and express your most sincere appreciation for supporting you and I in our journey to … where-ever it is.  

On another positive note, Jamie has expressed his trust in my handling of your affairs.  This takes a big burden off my shoulders and I feel more at peace with that issue now.  All you wanted, you said, was for us to get along.  We are both trying.  And for that, I know that you and Mom would be pleased.  

So, Dad, while I don’t feel so frozen anymore – I do feel that I have rambled.  How appropriate is it to ramble on on a public forum I don’t know – but there are some who have told me our conversations/ stories have inspired them to write their own family stories – and that’s good. We sure did have a good time doing that, eh?  Okay – it wasn’t fun at the time as I know I had to “hound” you a lot for stories when you were so tired.  But, seriously, you did enjoy when I read them back to you – and your grandchildren will not be able to understand their own heritage better – and know you as a person through your stories.  

To those of you who are reading this post and feel that I’ve crossed the line of insanity – you may be right, I may be crazy (to coin the words of Billy Joel).  But I am no longer so frozen.  

TTFN

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18 thoughts on “Frozen

  1. It’s plain that there is an abundance of love here…not insanity. Thank you for sharing it with us.

  2. Wilma

    Stacey … I like cauliflour soup – you can make some for me soon 🙂

  3. Wilma

    oops… ‘cauliflower’ 🙂

  4. Donna Langman

    It is a great way to grieve, Stacey. Do this as long as you need and until it is replaced by the needs of the present. I still miss my Dad and it has been 20 years. The miss just isn’t as raw. Treasure the memories. You are doing awesome, even if you don’t feel it! (I like cauliflower soup too. 🙂 )

    • Thanks, Donna. Yes – it has been a long time since your Dad passed. It seems that you are right – this is a long process. I will treasure the memories – and thanks. Good – soup for you, then! Cheers, cuz!

  5. Maybe I should stop by for soup.

  6. Mary Hetherington

    I am a bit slow reading your blogs, Stacey. This one has touched me deeply as I feel with you, thinking about your parents. Lost is not the right word. Your father, our mothers will always be with us. Sometimes there are spaces even the closest friends cannot fill, but I am here for you too. Let me know when we can toast to your dad!

  7. Jim Duff

    Hey Sis … Crazy in the head no. Crazy in the heart yes. You have been Dad’s “everything” for the past year plus. How can that kind of leave taking, even if it was gradual and something you were at peace with, be followed by anything other then a gradual, and hopefully mostly peaceful grieving process. Hang in there. Hug those who love you often … It’ll make you feel just a tiny bit better.

    Love, Jamie.

    • Thanks, Jamie. I appreciate that you don’t think I’m crazy. And yes, there was a lot of time spent with Dad. I think that’s almost a bitter pill to swallow right now. Would be nice if I could run away from these feelings – but they don’t seem to be leaving me. Weird feelings. In any case, thanks for the wishes of peace. I know it will come – I just hate the process. And thanks for the thoughts. TTFN

  8. Antony Gariepy

    Thanks for sharing your losses with us. I think your folks would encourage you to do exactly what you’re doing. We share this bitter taste together… ♥

    • I don’t know – they were pretty private. But I guess seeing support from others would be something they’d be happy about, Tony. Thanks. Yes, I think of you often – we had about the same distance between the loss of parents, didn’t we? I think of you, often. God bless you, my friend.

  9. Alice

    In the quiet, in the night, across frozen regions, a Chinook wind blows and causes a gentle warming.

    • ..and this is why you are the master of writing. Wow. Powerful. Thank-you, Alice. You are a true inspiration.

    • Alice have you ever read a book called, “Reboth Road”? Your writing reminds me of this novel. I don’t recall the author – but I met a group of women at the airport once who were so excited to be together. I asked them what they were doing that they all had such wonderfully packaged gift bags. They explained they had travelled from all across North America to meet as members of a book club- to Toronto. The book they were reading was.. Reboth Road. One of the book club members gave me her copy – and I read it. I loved it. It was so poetic – a tragic story – but soooo well written. Again, your writing reminds me of that author. Please. do investigate. And, please keep commenting on my posts – they do mean a lot to me. You are wonderfully talented. (Stacey)

      • Alice

        Your comments are gracious. I have not read the book but it sounds fascinating. Book clubs…I love book clubs.

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